Saturday, July 25, 2015

One Foot in Front of the Other

The writing is on the wall.  My kids are growing up and leaving the nest.  I can't believe it.  The emotions are flooding in and out by the second.  I'm proud. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm lonely. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm numb.

I've been numb a lot. Since graduation day, I've not been wholly able to feel my feelings.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm trying to cherish the minutes I get from my kids per day.  Not easy as they run out the door to work or to see their friends.  First summer that we didn't take a family vacation.  What the hell was I thinking?  The days are slipping by fast and the departure date is getting nearer and nearer.  I can now see it on the calendar on the same page.  We are 3 weeks out.  It's devastating.  It's exciting.  What am I supposed to feel?  Too many emotions all at once or none at all.

I've wanted to rant or ruminate for weeks, but every time I begin, I stop after a paragraph.  I want to ruminate about my graduation but I didn't get very far.  I refuse to rant about TR**p.  Just depresses me.  I have spent much of my time trying to find happy things to do or watch on TV.  Some are successful, some not so much.  I am trying to view my future by looking at my past.  I am trying to re-shape what I can do in this world and it ain't easy.  

I recently watched a four panel agent seminar I stumbled across on YouTube.  I knew all four agents from Los Angeles.  I listened as they discussed the state of the business and how impersonal it's become due to technology.  I knew listening to that, I could never go back to the business of show.  I made the right decision, maybe just a little earlier than I expected.  Not my business anymore.  BUT, I did reconnect with one of the agents that I had worked with for many years.  That was golden.

So, I nixed that for my future.  What now?  Well, I have loved little kids a lot.  Trying to find a way in somewhere to volunteer or something.  In NYC, it's not easy to get in to a lot of places.  It is certainly not the same as when I was a kid and I could walk in off the street and volunteer at many city organizations.  Not here. It's a process or you have to know someone.  I reached out to an old friend of mine from my kids' school that had since left and runs a pre-school.  A-ha.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I can do something there.  She was very open about it and I went to see the school.  Watching all the little kids running around, gave me hope.  Maybe that's what the doctor ordered.  We shall see.  

Until my babies are all tucked away at their new chapter, I hold my breath, I breathe deeply, I hold it together.One foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  I am not the first to go through this transition and I won't be the last, but it feels like the biggest thing I've experienced in my life.  Bigger than when I went to college.  The anticipation is too huge.  So, I keep reaching back and looking forward, trying desperately to stay in the moment. Breathe.

As we travel on, love's what we'll remember.