One Foot in Front of the Other

The writing is on the wall.  My kids are growing up and leaving the nest.  I can't believe it.  The emotions are flooding in and out by the second.  I'm proud. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm lonely. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm numb.

I've been numb a lot. Since graduation day, I've not been wholly able to feel my feelings.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm trying to cherish the minutes I get from my kids per day.  Not easy as they run out the door to work or to see their friends.  First summer that we didn't take a family vacation.  What the hell was I thinking?  The days are slipping by fast and the departure date is getting nearer and nearer.  I can now see it on the calendar on the same page.  We are 3 weeks out.  It's devastating.  It's exciting.  What am I supposed to feel?  Too many emotions all at once or none at all.

I've wanted to rant or ruminate for weeks, but every time I begin, I stop after a paragraph.  I want to ruminate about my graduation but I didn't get very far.  I refuse to rant about TR**p.  Just depresses me.  I have spent much of my time trying to find happy things to do or watch on TV.  Some are successful, some not so much.  I am trying to view my future by looking at my past.  I am trying to re-shape what I can do in this world and it ain't easy.  

I recently watched a four panel agent seminar I stumbled across on YouTube.  I knew all four agents from Los Angeles.  I listened as they discussed the state of the business and how impersonal it's become due to technology.  I knew listening to that, I could never go back to the business of show.  I made the right decision, maybe just a little earlier than I expected.  Not my business anymore.  BUT, I did reconnect with one of the agents that I had worked with for many years.  That was golden.

So, I nixed that for my future.  What now?  Well, I have loved little kids a lot.  Trying to find a way in somewhere to volunteer or something.  In NYC, it's not easy to get in to a lot of places.  It is certainly not the same as when I was a kid and I could walk in off the street and volunteer at many city organizations.  Not here. It's a process or you have to know someone.  I reached out to an old friend of mine from my kids' school that had since left and runs a pre-school.  A-ha.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I can do something there.  She was very open about it and I went to see the school.  Watching all the little kids running around, gave me hope.  Maybe that's what the doctor ordered.  We shall see.  

Until my babies are all tucked away at their new chapter, I hold my breath, I breathe deeply, I hold it together.One foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  I am not the first to go through this transition and I won't be the last, but it feels like the biggest thing I've experienced in my life.  Bigger than when I went to college.  The anticipation is too huge.  So, I keep reaching back and looking forward, trying desperately to stay in the moment. Breathe.

As we travel on, love's what we'll remember.

SMH*

Friends and readers have asked why haven't I written about the tragedy in Charleston, South Carolina.  Well, what more can I say?  I've said that the NRA is distinctly and specifically silent or says clearly crazy things when gun tragedies occur.  They are this time, too.  The Republicans can't really say too much of value either.  They can't piss off the NRA or the people of the South.  They stand up and declare it was a crime against Christianity not racism.  Are you kidding me?  That supports their theory that there is a war on Christians.  Yeah, well, you ain't seen nothing yet if you think this is against Christians.  I've said that the covert racism around this country went apeshit crazy when Obama was elected President.  It's everywhere, it's constant, and getting worse.  Even after hearing or reading this racist's manifesto, they still can't change their tune. It blows my mind.  

Thousands of members of the NRA still silent and standing by their leaders, they are no better.  Don't tell me this was the fault of mental illness.  There are many people that have mental or emotional problems in this country, but they don't all have guns.  Those people shouldn't be allowed to own guns, borrow guns, get their hands on any weapon whatsoever.  The perverse twisting of the 2nd Amendment has been turned every which way to protect what has clearly been distorted by gun loving people.  They have the money to control many elections.  Where the hell are the Democrats?  They are spineless crickets that only are concerned about their re-elections.  It's unconscionable that we are having this discussion again.  Fourteen times since President Obama took office!! Fourteen!!!  He didn't even know what to say anymore.  He has said it all, and yet, nothing changes.  

People, again I will say, stand up.  If you are a law-abiding gun owner, why are you so fearful of being heard and being counted?  Your silence is deafening.  You allow the Ted Nugent's and the Wayne LaPierre's be your megaphones for crazy.  I have to believe that there are more "normal" members of the NRA than crazy, but you wouldn't know it.  

I'm tired of this same discussion over and over and over again.  We can't say we are the greatest country in the world anymore. We are supposed to be the leaders and models for democracy.  If the mouthpieces for the gun lobby and the Republican party's answer is more guns, we are going to destroy ourselves.  Churches, movie theatres, schools, parks, museums, army bases, and so forth should be safe and gun-free. The more guns, the more death.  Don't tell me "guns don't kill people, people kill people" anymore.  That tagline is over.  

Moving on...seriously?  Jack Lew decided on replacing Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill?  One of our Forefathers, the man that helped create our entire currency system, the first Secretary of the Treasury?  Missed the basis of that decision.  Certainly, there is a ground swell and pushback on this decision.  Yes, it's time to honor a woman on our currency, but why replace Hamilton? Andrew Jackson, former President of the United States, has a very checkered history.  Not that he couldn't be honored too, but if making a choice, let the women have the $20 bill.  It is the one that's spewed out of ATM's all over.  Let's see if anyone's mind's can be changed.  It's not too late because no decision of whom will get the honor has been made and the new bills won't be in circulation until 2020. Keep Hamilton, dump Jackson!

Sidebars:  I truly admire Taylor Swift.  I have been a fan for a long time, but her recent stances have made me stand up and cheer.  She stands by women and girls and feminism publicly.  Her recent diss of Spotify was classic and most importantly, her public letter to Apple about their new Apple Music streaming app was stunning.  Taylor Swift stood up against the behemoth company in the most polite, strong, and clear open letter that Apple executives re-assessed saw the errors of their ways (in a weekend!). Heard no other artist back her up or stand on their own two feet.  Only she had the cajones to call them out.  I stand up and cheer for her!  Tonight, is The Bachelorette.  Hard to imagine that it can live up to its own hype and promos, but I can't wait.  American Ninja Warrior is a fantastic alternative for family viewing.  The athleticism and back stories are great.  Also, note that the women and men do the exact same course.  It's the only place I know that it is truly even in events.  Worth a look see.  It's a new week.  Hopefully, quiet and peaceful.  Enjoy everyone.  

*SMH=Shaking My Head

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@DianaPodolsky

POMP

I really want to write about this final week in high school, but I feel nothing.  It's odd.  I've been dreading this week of the "last" high school everything and, now, tomorrow is my kids graduation and I'm feeling a little numb, annoyed, hopeful.  I really have nothing. Now believe me, I shed tears yesterday when one of the Seniors sang Send in the Clowns.  Stunning song that sung well, evokes deep emotion.  It did.  I felt such pride for all the kids that presented their final projects. How far they've all come since we walked through the door in kindergarten.

Tonight is the Senior dinner where we all get together, immediate family only, mind you, and are feted by the eleventh graders and the administration.  Fun?  Well, I'm going with the que sera, sera attitude.  It could be a great evening or not.  No, seriously, it could go either way.  The "feters," this year, are not happy about the feting.  We feel it, but have every hope that they can put all that aside and throw a good event.  It is a lot of work, but who cares, it's your turn next year, rising Seniors....We all will be home before 10pm to dream about the final pomp and circumstance tomorrow.  

How will I feel seeing my babies in their caps and gowns?  I really can't imagine. It feels surreal. The changes and transitions in the very near future are coming.  They will mean different things to each of us.  I often feel like Fanny Brice, "nervous, happy, scared, excited."  It really does sum up the plethora of feelings that happen simultaneously. It changes from second to second.  I hear the A Cappella singers are singing "I'll Be Seeing You." Really?  They really want people to shed tears, don't they?  I hope that's an incorrect rumor.  That's another heart wrenching song that means different things decade to decade.  It began as a song during WWII, and now, it can mean anything you want it to mean.  At graduation time...oy vey.  Maybe the ceremony will be too long, sitting on uncomfortable pews and the temperature steamy that we will be so happy to be out of there, we will let the door hit us on the way out....Maybe the ceremony will hit the perfect note of what has been for these Seniors and what will be....Definitely, perspectives are different from the kids and the parents or from the parents who are "graduating" also from the school and the parents who have younger kids still there.  There are those dying to get out and move on and those that have mixed feelings.  

No matter where we all stand on the spectrum, I wish from the bottom of my heart that all these children take what they've learned thus far and keep pushing the boundaries in life. Always question.  Open new doors. Shatter the ceiling.  You can be the person you want to be.  Trust that always. Surround yourself with people that have your back and tell you the truth.  Your cocoon is opening and you are all ready to fly.  Fly and be safe.  

Sidebars:  I didn't do my usual critique of the Tonys Monday.  Why?  They kind of bored me and depressed me. Kristin Chenoweth and Alan Cumming did what was asked of them.  What was asked of them sometimes was nauseating.  When they kowtowed and brown nosed Harvey Weinstein it was so obvious and unseemly.  I thought that Alan Cumming and Kristin Chenoweth might as well have been on their knees.  Not sure who is trying to get future business with Harvey, but that was so gross.  Not their fault. They are talent and do what they are directed to do.  Is it CBS?  Rick Kirshner?  They destroyed In Memoriam once again.  You do not have to re-invent the wheel.  Post photos, names, and occupation of the people being honored for their lives in the theatre. You don't need to use Josh Groban and feature him more prominently than the deceased loved ones.  You have to get this right next year.  This is your second year in a row getting it disgracefully wrong. Keep it simple and respectful. Okay, NBA finals are a killer.  Really hard to watch from beginning to end when the last 5 minutes is all you need.  That's heart stopping enough. Cavs lead Golden State 2 games to 1.  Huge kudos to rookie pitcher Chris Heston of the San Francisco Giants pitching a no-hitter!!!  The roller coaster begins and I will be in touch on the other side.  Congratulations to all the 2015 graduates.

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@DianaPodolsky

Repo Men

Does anyone remember a few years back, Manhattan, Queens, Long Island and its environs were slammed by devastating flood waters from Hurricane Sandy? The worst natural disaster in decades here in New York.  Breezy Point, Queens was destroyed by water and fire.  Seems impossible, but it happened.  Many neighborhoods are still trying to recover.  We have friends whose Manhattan apartment took at least 18 months to return to its previous luster.  So, we, the people, needed Federal dollars to help those that were wiped out by the Storm of the Century. Remember, Governor Chris Christie getting too "huggy" with President Obama trying to show him around his State's devastation?  Many Republicans vomited a bit over that.  Can't do that and be a Republican.  Bad Chris Christie, bad. When Congress was voting for emergency funding for our "northern elitist democratic" part of the country, many Republicans wouldn't vote for the package.  Can you believe that?  The Federal government that is supposed to help those in dire need being nickel and dimed by many Republicans in Congress.  

So, here we are. One of the loudest opposers to send money to our vicinity to help re-build...Senator Ted Cruz.  Do you know what State he represents?  Yes, you are right.  The "great" State of Texas.  Did you hear that they have had calamitous flooding with multiple deaths?  It has been horrifyingly scary to view on the news.  Now, Senator Cruz has his hand out.  He needs to procure funds to help his State through this terrible natural disaster.  Again,  Ted Cruz.  He, who is a climate change denier and a "no" vote for victims of Hurricane Sandy, has his hand out!  Is that right?  Is that fair?  So, you only vote for things that help a few and not many?  That's the game in Congress?  Maybe we should keep tallies of Senate and Congressional votes for and against the needs of the people.  If you voted against one segment of the population, you can't come crawling back for your constituents.  

This "me" perspective in our government is disgraceful.  It's why nothing is getting done.  No one is actually "true" to himself.  Just whichever way the money flows to your campaign, is the way you vote.  What happened to "for the people, by the people."  Anyway, I would be far more tit for tat with these politicians.  That is definitely my initial thought.  Particularly, Texas, whose leaders often bring up seceding from the USA or bashing President Obama with ridiculous charges.  Two can play that game, but that wouldn't help the people that need help to rebuild their homes and their lives.  So, I sit conflicted, but know that I am often more a christian than the Christians mouthing off and spouting hate.  

Historically, we, Americans, have always stepped up and helped our neighbors.  Only in recent years have we pitted so many against others.  It's time to find the true American in our politicians.  They've lost it.  It all goes back to the money.  I will keep saying it...get the money out.  We can't get a "Mr. Smith" with the money poisoning the crops.  So, Senator Cruz, next time a State other than yours needs help, just say yes or we will just take back all the money we gave to Texas.  

Sidebars:  Thrilled to see the cover of the June issue of Vanity Fair.  Caitlyn Jenner is finally revealed in all her glory.  Takes the sting out of the paparazzi so leave her alone.  Will they?  They don't have to follow her relentlessly anymore.  NBA finals begin on Thursday, June 4th between the Golden State Warriors and the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Rooting hard and loud for GS, but will be happy for Cleveland if it goes that way.  Just hoping for a very strong series.  No flagrant fouls!  American Ninja Warriors is back for summer.  It's great fun family fare.  America's Got Talent is also back, another great family show.  The Bachelorette is back and not family fare, definitely.  The Tony Awards are Sunday, June 7th.  There's been a petition going around to get The Tony producers to give Tommy Tune his rightful presentation for receiving his lifetime achievement award.  Doubt it will happen, but they really should or what's the point of giving that award?  There are now 9 Republican candidates running for President, more to come, and that D****d T***p is rumored to be throwing his hat into the ring.  UGH!  Barf!  It's June 1st, rainy and cold here. June isn't busting out all over, yet.

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@dianapodolsky

Sitting in the Passenger's Seat

Boy, no one can prepare you for this.  I can remember my own graduation as a kid.  It's all so exciting marching to Pomp and Circumstance wearing your cap and gown. Teary and elated, but now?  Oy vey, as a parent of two graduating seniors....There is no preparation for this feeling and what is ahead.  Proud of my two, oh yes.  Excited for what is ahead of them? Most definitely.  They are prepared to go off so I know that we've done a fairly good job.  I think that both have a sense of right and wrong, good values.  And truly, I couldn't be more proud of the people they are growing up to be, but...there is so much sadness too.  

The change, we, parents, are about to embark on is bigger than anything that I've ever experienced because I am sitting in the passenger seat for the first time.  I have to let them fly away and see the world.  If I ever felt like I am on the other side of the hill, this may be it.  This is not a pity party.  This is just all new experiences for us all.  I will definitely handle it differently than, say, my spouse.  I have devoted the past 25 years thinking about having children, struggling to have children, finally having children, watching them turn from infants to young adults, trying to teach them what is important in life (though not always feeling that I was successful there).  They are still evolving.  So am I.

This is a thrilling time and a very sad time.  Everything now is the last one. The last high school show.  The last art show.  The last choral performance. The last Class Rep meeting.  The last class. The last prom.  The last track meet. The last everything high school.  Yes, that's how it is supposed to be but experiencing it as a parent is a whole other ball of wax, that's all.  Though I don't have any sense that my parents felt that way at all.  Times were so different.  We are far more involved in our kids lives than our parents were that maybe their way was a bit easier to handle these changes.  I have no recollection of parental tears from anyone's parents in 1977.  Here, I know that there will be plenty of parents shedding tears, so I am in good company there.  Many of us will be facing empty nests when our kids go off for their next chapter.  I have thought about this day for four years and still don't know what tomorrow may bring.  

So, people, if you have any words of wisdom, if you have ideas, if you have any thoughts you want to share, I'll take them.  I know that I will be alright it's just a road not travelled yet and not sure how to get there.  

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@DianaPodolsky

Haters Gotta Hate

If you had told me a few years ago, maybe even as recent as a month ago, that I'd be writing about the virtues of the Kardashians, I'd probably tell you when hell freezes over or when pigs fly, but...I'm here to tell the tale.  Listen,  I know there is so much hate for the Kardashians.  I'm guessing that most of the haters have never even watched one episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians ever.  The haters hate all the over exposure.  The haters hate that they seem like they have zero reason for fame.  The Kardashians symbolize the extreme celebrity craze with little talent.  Recently, an entrepreneur created an anti-Kardashian app so you can block anything Kardashian from your social media.  That's how hated they are by many.  

If it weren't for my daughter, I probably never would've tuned in to their show.  I, like the haters, judged them for all of the obscene amount of social media, tabloid articles, fashion magazines, etc.  It was too much and it all began with a sex tape.  Kris Jenner, the matriarch, took her daughter's 15 minutes of fame and spun it into a multi million dollar empire.  These women aren't dumb.  They aren't lazy.  They are a fiercely loyal and loving family.  They fight, bicker, make up, forgive.  You can see it all.  It honestly is not what you think it is.  I know the haters have never watched.

So, now the family is dealing with the most real life situation.  Their Dad, Bruce Jenner, is transgender.  Have you heard about it?  (wink, wink) Diane Sawyer did an incredibly raw two hour interview (really 80 minutes without commercials) a few weeks ago.  Now, it was the family's turn.  Keeping Up With the Kardashians was a two parter this week dealing with their own feelings about their Dad and husband.  It was honest, open, painful, funny, and an inside look to what families of transgenders go through. Bruce Jenner sat down with each of his girls and they asked many questions.  It wasn't easy to watch. I struggled watching.  I shed a few tears. This is very real.  

We have heard so many horrific stories about young transgenders with no support or compassion from family or friends ending their lives, tragically.  Trying to stop the pain.  Watching the Kardashian/Jenner process opens up all the conversations families must go through if they are trying to understand.  (The glaring omission in these on- air discussions is Rob Kardashian.  One can only imagine that this is just too much for him since he's been struggling with his own demons). 

So, here we are.  To all the haters, what if this is the Kardashians true calling?  What if we all had to suffer through all their publicity and attention seeking to get to this? What if, because we can watch the struggles of a family dealing with a transgender Dad, a life is saved?  Clearly, the love and understanding is far greater than many families would have, but there are many lessons of unconditional love here.  I have found this so unexpectedly moving. It really is an amazing development in America's most pre-judged and hated family.  Maybe the haters should try it.  You may learn something.

Sidebars:  The Voice is almost over.  Tonight's the finale.  They are all great.  With the exposure they've all had they are all winners.  The Bachelorette started their new season last night.  It begins with two bachelorettes and the bachelors get to vote for the one they want.  I hate the twist.  I know, it's the Bachelorette, but it takes the power away from the woman.  It denigrates them just a little bit more, when they should be in the power position.  Of course, no one ever learns from season to season or just life, someone got belligerently drunk.  Got kicked off night 1 by Chris Harrison. Good riddance. The NBA finals continue tonight.  Go Golden State Warriors!!!! Go Cleveland Cavaliers!  It's Tuesday. I hate Mayor DiBlasio more every day.  I didn't pre-judge. Enjoy!  :-)

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@DianaPodolsky

Distorted Capitalism

With all the terrible urban uprisings and murders,  There's been a lot of talk why such a huge percentage of young black men were filling up the jails for non-violent crimes.  Well, once again, I came to the conclusion, capitalism.  With the influx of privatized jails, there became a need to fill up the cells.  Now, clearly, I watch a lot of television and many law shows have shown the added corruption with kickbacks to help fill the jails.  I am not saying that's what is happening, but the corporations that own the private jails are making money hand over fist.  Jails are overcrowded and they have to keep building.  Is that the road we want to take?  Why in the world did anyone think that making jails a profit making business was a good path?  Isn't it antithetical to the desired outcome?  Don't we want less people in jails?  Are these jails helping anyone rehabilitate?  Get the inmates education?  Preparing them for their return?  Nah.  Just throw them back out on the street when their sentences are up and hope for the best.  It's a joke.  Seriously, a profitable business???  Hello?? Does that make any sense?

Another profit making business only good for the corporation...standardized test makers.  What a bloody racquet that is.  My kids have only had to take one test a year, but it wasn't really important to their progress in school because it's private school, but for all the kids that are in public school...it's ridiculous.  The point is that the test making companies have found a huge well of money.  The students are getting robbed of a real education because more and more school districts and governments are relying on scores for a measure of learning and financial support.  It's a crime what is happening in schools.  It is restraining teachers creativity and students interest in learning.  

The other profit making tests?  The SAT and the ACT.  The must-do college entrance exams. Another joke.  I have no idea, unless you soar at standardized testing, how a 16 or 17 year old can do well on these tests without tutoring.  It is pouring so much money down the drain.  I never knew it was a billion dollar business until my nephews started going through the college process ten years ago.  All I could do is shake my head.  Colleges and universities should stop using them as a source of accomplishment.  It's not.  If you do great, that's great but it's after hours of studying and practicing, so what's that showing?  Isn't ones GPA and personal references more of a snapshot of the calibre of achievements?  What a waste of money.  I do know there are institutions that have stopped requiring the tests, but I would love to cut these companies at the knees and have all the colleges stop using them as a measure of success.  If your child goes to a bad testing site, that effects the outcome.  Not all sites are created equal, particularly in urban areas.  Some schools are old and have teeny desks, some schools are gloriously brand new with light and large desks.  It does matter.  So what kind of measure is it, really?  

These profit-making corporations are making money on the backs of vulnerable young people.  Does that make them heartless bloodsuckers?  Well, yes.  Why do we allow it?  There are so many companies making money on the vulnerable.  Don't get me started on healthcare and pharmaceutical companies.  Before anyone says it's Obama's fault, it isn't.  Healthcare has always been a problem once money got involved.  Pharmaceutical companies want to be repaid for all their research money invested.  That's fair, but isn't there a limit?  Maybe they should calculate all their expenditures and once repaid, costs can be reasonable.  I don't know. What I do know is that the older I get, the less pro-capitalist I become.  There has to be a better way, but I am not sure that we can put the genie back in the bottle (otherwise known as executives/shareholders).  You know how the song goes, "how you gonna keep 'em down on the farm, after they've seen Paree?"   

Sidebars:  The Voice is getting down to the semi-finals.  And then there were 5.  It was a shocking ending to Tuesday's results show.  Before we got to the end, they brought back past contestants from previous seasons to perform.  Seriously, I have watched each and every season, but for the life of me I only recognized two and one of those was last season's winner.  What does that say?  Well, it's already been pointed out year in and year out, that The Voice hasn't produced any lasting stars like American Idol. What The Voice does is bring you into the process, so sitting at home you can really learn from the judges.  No stars created yet other than the judges.  Dancing With the Stars has become so over-produced.  They have added too many professional back up dancers that it often detracts from the "star" couple.  NBA playoffs continue on.  Rooting loudly for Golden State Warriors and the Clippers!!  Come on!!!  San Francisco Giants and the New York Yankees must be surprising baseball lovers.  Both have started shockingly strong.  I know, I know, many more games until the post-season. Enjoy your day!  Don't take the ones you love for granted.

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@DianaPodolsky